I hadn’t realized there was a Pregnancy and Infant Loss day, but have been toying with blogging about our loss for a while now. So here goes…
Tyler and I knew we wanted kids for a long time, well before we were married. After we got married (in 2007) we decided to wait to have kids until I was done with my second degree. As the years passed we started to get itchy for a little one and decides to start trying.
We tried “on and off” for a while, (as in, would stop trying if there was something on the horizon it wouldn’t be convenient to be pregnant for) and in 2009 were ecstatic when we finally discovered we were pregnant! We started planning our future with our little one the minute we saw that second pink line and couldn’t wait to tell friends and family. The timing wasn’t superb, as my due date was right around the date I wrote my nursing exam, but we knew we would make it work.
We received a dating ultrasound and I was quite early (about 6 weeks) along. The two of us grinned from ear to ear and stared at the fuzzy black and white picture of our little baby, who was just a small sac at the time.
I was doing a flu shot clinic in my final student rotation and discovered I was bleeding. My heart sank, and my instructor drove me to the ER to get checked out. I was reassured that since I wasn’t cramping it was most likely fine, but only an ultrasound would tell. My blood work came back with positive numbers, and I was relieved to discover I was still pregnant.
I continued to have light intermittent bleeding, but no cramping so I brushed it off and hoped for the best over the next week. One night, I was at my sister’s with my mom watching her kids, and I discovered that I had passed what looked like a small sac. I called my mom to the bathroom and, between sobs, told her I knew it was over. I felt absolutely empty, and was certain I had miscarried this time.
An ultrasound the next day confirmed I had in fact had a miscarriage. Tyler and I were beyond heartbroken. We sobbed in the darkened room, and were fairly silent on the ride home. What I will never, ever forget is what happened when we came home. Ty went down to our fourth level, and I lay down upstairs. Suddenly, I heard sobs that sounded like a heartbroken animal crying. I went downstairs to find Tyler beside himself with grief. He explained that he was trying to be strong for me, but just couldn’t right that moment. My heart broke even more, but my love for him grew.
Things I learned:
1. A baby is a baby, now matter how early the loss. The minute I found out I was pregnant, that was my baby. I thought in the future, and even though I had an early loss, I still pictured what would have been.
2. A miscarriage is not a one day event. Following the loss, I had pain and cramping and even ended up in the emergency room to have remnants of conception removed over the two weeks that followed. It was horrible, and while the physical is still happening, it was impossible to move forward with the emotional.
3. A loss is just a profound for the father. Tyler lost his baby too, and hurt just as much as I did.
4. Miscarriage puts a future fear in you. I was terrified to try to get pregnant again after, because I was worried I couldn’t handle another loss.
Obviously our story ended up happy. We gave my body some time to heal and decided to try again shortly after and were shocked when we got pregnant on the first try. Holding Abrielle in my arms made me realize that without losing my first baby, I would have never had her. Down the line, I wouldn’t have had Gracie either, and while it is a lot easier to say that now that I can hold them in my arms, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.
For myself, I feel it is important to share my story with others because so many people have experienced it. I was not ready to talk about it until after Abby was born, but now I share it freely. I know that talking about it helped me heal, and I feel at peace with what happened.